strictly maelyn

There are a lot of things that I cannot stand and I do not know what has come over me lately but as of the past few days I am over keeping my mouth shut and my opinion to myself. People need guidance. I need to vent.

I have a couple things to say to people. Pieces of advice that they could probably use for the rest of their lives.

• Don’t let a broken heart define you, show everyone (especially them) that they do not own you. They do not define you. They do not dictate how you are going to live the rest of your life. You decide your fate. You decide to make yourself happy. All you have to do is go through the motions and accept your broken heart and open yourself to the possibility of happiness in the future.
• Fucked up in the head or not. You are allowed to love but please, look for it in the right places. Quit barking up the wrong trees for someone to love you. Realize what could possibly be good for you and take that leap of faith. You might find a pot o’ gold at the end of the road.
• Friendships are different for everyone. Just because other people work differently with their friends does not mean you should really judge it.
• Call me a bitch, it won’t surprise me. What surprises me is when people say I am a nice person. It only surprises me because I will have realized what a liar you are.
• Being clingy is not cute. Being overly dramatic about a situation that should be making you laugh in his face because of what a jerk he is isn’t cute either.
• Crying is a good thing. Just do it on your own time. Away from people, away from the world. And if you do happen to cry in a public scenario, don’t try to make me feel bad for you because I won’t. I will say, “Get over it, you attention seeking whore.” And then will proceed to make jokes.
• Pity is what I feel for most people: because a lot of people are fools.
• Anger is healthy. I rather be yelling at the person I am mad at than someone who has done nothing wrong to me. (Except for bosses, I could never yell at a boss or an authority figure. Doesn’t mean I won’t talk shit though.)
• Forgiveness is key. People fuck up. But know when it has gone too far. I won’t tolerate for 15th chances.
• I rather you not broadcast your problems for the whole world to see. It’s just a cry for attention and it’s pathetic. Why don’t you stop playing the ‘poor little me’ card and get your life together.
• Relationships are hard work. And on top of being hard work, relationships evolve. Yes, relationships are supposed to get easier the longer it goes… But the common misunderstanding with that is they think the relationship is same as it was in the beginning. No, it’s not. It changes constantly and with change new problems surface. So what was hard in the beginning is easier, but just because those are easier makes room for more complicated and challenging obstacles to appear and that my friends is what makes it so hard. And you know you truly love someone when you are willing to try to overcome any, and every obstacle to be with them. That you don’t give up. That you truly have faith that they are always going to fight for you as hard as you fight for them. That is what a relationship is.
• A lot of people aren’t ready to be in relationships. Don’t do it is my advice. If you are having doubts about your love life then you probably shouldn’t be dating anyone.
• Don’t give advice on things you don’t have the slightest idea about.
• Don’t give people a reason to talk shit about you. Seriously though, if you don’t give me a reason to talk shit about you. I won’t! But if I see foolishness happening, I WILL call you out. I WILL talk about you. And I will NOT apologize for speaking the truth.
• I’m tired of seeing broken grown-ass girls. I need to see more bad ass women that have their life together and can solve their own problems.
• You’re acting strong. But honey I can see right through you. You still want attention and you still want someone to pity you. PUH-LEASE! Quit feeling sorry for yourself and grab life by the balls and FUCKING LIVE IT! Ugh! Quit dwelling on the past and how much your life sucks. I am over it! DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!!

I have so many things to say and that should say something about the people that happen to be surrounded themselves in my life. They are all good people but seriously, they really need to get their lives together. I hate to call you out, don’t make me do it.

Strictly,

Maelyn

Donald has left the building. Or, to be a little literal, the state. He’s not erased from my life, he is just starting his. Moving to Washington to work for his mother probably is the most significant and responsible thing that he has ever done and I am so proud of him. I need him to know that he is doing a good thing and that he is beginning down a successful road.

But, yes but, I miss him terribly. It’s been a couple days now since he left and I can not help but bitch about how I want to see him.

I just want him to know that I miss him.

To let him know that I appreciate him and miss him, I want to send him a little care package that would include an In-N-Out T-shirt, all of his favorite Mexican candies, and a little video montage of all the things that are going down here. 

I hope he likes it!

Strictly,

Maelyn

It’s an odd feeling, the feeling of starting over. It’s terrifying, freeing, and filled with the unknown. To fully grasp the sensation of beginning again one has to experience it for themselves.

I recently have began a transformation. But to explain this all: I must backtrack for a couple paragraphs for everyone to fully understand what is truly going on in my life.

Donald, my boyfriend of one year and nine months, and I have had our fair share of turbulence in our relationship. We were suffering from endless fighting, countless arguments, and scary incidents forged from the darkest places in our hearts. We were drowning in a relationship that could have been seriously tarnished if we hadn’t decided to change.

He, without a single doubt in my mind, is my one true soul mate but I always knew that deep down that we met too early in our lives. What I mean is: he is the right person for me, just not right now. We are another example of a perfect match but horrible timing.

When we met, we knew. We just knew that our paths were created to intertwine for the rest of our lives. But it had developed prematurely, we thought fate brought us together and it was a match made in heaven. We were wrong, we were not ready for each other. Romeo and Juliet was a match made in heaven but it had all moved too fast and turned into something serious too quickly… And we all know what happened to that relationship. Fate played its’ wild card and brought us together to test the many conditions of love. The cruel thing about fate is that it can be wonderful but at the same time: it has a twisted sense of humor and a horrible sense of time.

For us, spending time apart was not an option. It didn’t happen. If we were not near each other - we were helpless. We were so dependent on each other that we both forgot how to properly function when the other wasn’t around. We needed to spend time together, as opposed to willingly chose and want to be together. We forgot what it was like to be independent.

Some say we were inseparable and the word was endearing at first but then it slowly turned into the a curse for the both of us. We gave up many things just to satisfy the other. We gave up friendships, our sanity, but most importantly we sacrificed our own happiness to try to make the other person happy.

With sacrifice, resentment trails behind it…

At first, buying and spoiling the one you love was something you’d enjoy but for us: it turned into a chore and the special task of wanting to give them gifts became a burden.

And blame was thrown. And an emptiness filled our hearts because of the lack of self-satisfaction. There was a void in our souls and we thought trying to make the other person happy would fill it that void.

But it didn’t.

Sacrificing our own happiness for the happiness of others is a wonderful thing, don’t get me wrong but it should be rare and special. In the end, you have to think of yourself and your own happiness. Some may call that being selfish, but in a sense it isn’t. If you cannot make yourself happy, how can you possibly try to make someone else happy?

So we decided to break up.

We broke up to start to exclusively date each other. We don’t want to be with anyone else, we are not interested in a break from each other, but we wanted to get rid of our decaying dependence on each other and focus on our own individual lives. We both mutually agreed that we wanted to rediscover our love as separate people as opposed to being one.

I know it sounds confusing but look at it this way: we were stuck at a fork in a road. Break up or continue being miserable with the way we were. What we have done was made our own path. We decided fuck the rules! We want to pave our own road into the unknown with only the hopes of being together in a happier and healthier relationship in the future. We are looking at this like a do-over. A restart.

And yes, it’s ridiculous to assume that we can start over because we have a past. We have a history. But what we hope to achieve from doing this is have a better understanding of each other with out the pressures of being titled as boyfriend/girlfriend. We would see each other when we want to see each other. Not because we need to.

We hope to find a mutual understanding of who the other person is so that maybe in the future we could have a relationship based on honesty and trust. We did not have that in our previous state of things. It was filled with jealousy, anger, suspicion and sadly - hatred for the other.

I hope to find myself in this process. I somehow lost who I was and have forgotten who I am. In addition to rediscovering myself, I hope to grow into a better person - a person worthy of loving. 

I am focusing on myself, relearning to love myself so I can someday give him all the love he deserves. We want to grow individually and find our own paths - but we want to do this side by side. We want to help each other find ourselves without the restrictions of what a relationship requires.

Because in all honesty, being in a relationship comes with rules. You can say it doesn’t, but if you really look - they are there, even if they aren’t apparent.

This way we can hopefully mature separately.

What makes this different from just being “just friends” is that we want to be together, we both have the goal and intentions of someday getting back together. But before that happens though we need to mature and we need to grow as individuals.

When we both know that we are ready to undergo the responsibilities of a relationship we will be together with the understanding to treat each other with the respect, truth and above all love.

I can’t say I’m not scared and I cannot pretend to be brave. I am absolutely terrified of what is to come and what is unknown and I can only pray for the strength to be courageous. I love him so much and I know that he loves me. And that’s all I need to survive the the trails to come. So for now, in our parallel roads of reinvention we look forward to the day that we find our separate paths becoming one again.

To truly overcome the odds and proving that soul mates do exist.

Strictly,

Maelyn

spent the last few hours dancing. and maybe it’s because i haven’t done it in a while but my heart is going five million miles per hour right now. but i know it also has something to do with the fact that i felt so fucking good dancing right now.

it is as if there was a flame that reignited tonight. i’m breathing heavy and i’m not sure if i am sweating or not.

i miss this. i miss staying up until the late late hours of the night. spending all that time dancing in my living room.

i mean, i’ve been so busy with school and singing and work and my beloved boyfriend and my new kitten that i have not even begun to think about myself and what i really want. i haven’t really thought about what i really miss. and let me tell you: i really miss dancing.

have you ever danced in the dark? when no one is watching and you are just letting yourself go and pouring your heart on the next move - whatever it is - not caring if your technique is perfect and not caring if it looks bad. if you haven’t, you’re really missing out. it’s such a rush.

we get so caught up in our lives that we forget to do what we enjoy. and we forget how to be happy.

and i forgot. and my life and everyone involved in it suffered from it. my family hasn’t seen me in weeks, my friends think i have dropped off the face of the earth, and my boyfriend thinks i am going to break up with him (which is ridiculous if you ask me).

try to think back on what you used to love to do, and ask yourself if you still do it. if yes, keep it up! and make sure you remember it’s what you enjoy doing - don’t make it into a job. love it! and be thankful you haven’t lost it. and if you answered no, backtrack and just go for it. do it once more. without judgments, without worry. just be free and do it! whether it be singing or dancing or wrestling or volleyball or swimming! whatever! do it.

it just might put that smile you’ve been missing back on your face. 

Need new profile pics. For serious. He has a picture of himself in his old-goat-man-thing costume for his play Charlotte’s Web and mine is from three years ago. An old man with a 16 year old? Hm, I’m surprised no one has raised any questions already. (Side note: OMG. I was 16 THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO. Wtf!)

(Other side note: I am sort of holding out for him to shave his beard. It’s all sorts of crazy right now. But it’s for his play so he can’t do anything for a while but DAMNIT! I want a cute MUTHAFUCKIN’ picture with my boo. FUUUUUUUU)

Anyway, back to civilized blogging. I am kind of looking back on my life like what the hell happened? I used to love being creative with my profiles and my pictures.

I take that back. I know what happened. Facebook. As ADDICTING as it is: I have no access to modify my profile and make spice it up the way I want it. Yes, it has it’s pros and cons. Pros: One uniform look so people that don’t know their way around css or html or java don’t make a fool of themselves. Cons: There is absolutely no way a user can use Facebook as a way for creativity.

I am seriously thinking about revamping my personal website/blog. But then again: I have Tumblr. And Tumblr is just as addicting as Facebook. If not more. I swear I have been on this site for about two hours and I am BARELY getting around to posting something. Wtf, right? Anyway, Tumblr would basically do everything I would want to do with a personal website and it’s free.

I need the new photoshop. Or paintshop pro. I don’t care at this point. I’ll fucking download photoscape! (But then again maybe I won’t because photoscape doesn’t have all the capabilities that I want in a photo editing program. No offense, photoscape. I <3 You, and it’s not you. It’s me.)

Okay, maybe I don’t NEED any of those things but I do want them. I want them bad. =.=

I miss just sitting at my computer for hours typing up a new CSS code and then photoshopping a layout together and making a new myspace page for myself. Or livejournal page.

I sort of miss the old school. My Myspace became Facebook. My Livejournal is now Tumblr. But I can say I am never going back. There is no way in hell you’re gonna see me post a Bulletin post on Myspace and I don’t think I even remember my Livejournal password. 

Oh and don’t get me started on Zanga.

Remember THAT?

Boom. I just took you back to your childhood and your pseudo-serious poems that lightly touched on suicide if so-and-so didn’t proclaim their undying love for you and your battle with the number one teen enemy: hormones. Welcome back to adolescence, my fellow Tumblr friend.

Thinking back on it and as I currently read said blog: I mentally shudder at the way I used to think of things.

Then:

#1 Priority: Find True Love

Now:

#1 Priority: Doing my laundry or else I might suffer the consequence of recycling my dirty clothes. Yuck.

Reality is starting to set in. Responsibilities are now serious matters. And this is only the beginning.

Then:

Things I worried about: Finding a boyfriend, and quick! Or else I’m a loser.

Now:

Things I worry about: Fines, Speeding Tickets, Remembering to go to work, Remembering to go to school, Phone bill, GAS, How I am going to eat that day… =.=

Looking back on it, I used to bitch and moan about how my life was so hard. And maybe, at the time, it was. Especially for a girl that age. But damn, I wish I can rewind back to then and not have a single care in the world.

And who knows? Maybe five or ten years down the line I’ll be blogging again about my current situation. And probably wishing I can be transported back to this part of my life. Wishing I could relive it.

We are creatures of change. Not habbit.

We only say that to make us feel better about a world that’s crumbling around us.

Just something to think about.

Strictly,

Maelyn

Donald and I rescued a little siamese kitten and she is now our daughter. We have dubbed her with the awesome name of Lea. After my favorite singer Lea Salonga. Not Princess Leia, but I am seriously debating of making her Princess Leia for Halloween and carrying her around with me.

She is only about 7 weeks old and she is the biggest brat ever. Swear! She takes after Donald. There is still some debate on where she is going to live. My hopes are on Donald’s house because my dad hates her… Which sucks. Because he didn’t even give her a chance. Sometimes my father can be the most unreasonable person on the planet and it’s so frustrating.

Lea had a broken/sprained leg when we found her. But I am glad to announce that she is finally using it when she walks! Yay Go Lea! Team Lea!

Here’s a picture of her! :] In all her cuteness. But trust me, this picture does not do her justice.

Because she’s much cuter in real life.

I took her to my women’s ensemble because we were on the way to Donald’s and I sort of forgot that I had to go to my class. Lol. It’s only because we haven’t been having classes on Fridays lately and so I forgot. Lea sat in my bag but she got restless and then I had the other W.E. girls hold and play with her. Keely, my teacher, didn’t even know I had a kitten in my bag until I pointed her out. Which was followed by, “Omg! Maelyn you have a kitten in your bag!” Haha. It was funny. I <3 W.E.

I love Lea so much. She’s such a fattie. She mews all the time and she either requires (not want, REQUIRES) either of the three: 1. Petting me! 2. Play with me! 3. Feed me!

I love her and I hope Donald and I get to keep her. She’s our little sunshine.

Goodnight everyone!

Strictly,

Maelyn

The recipe for disaster is as follows:

Class all morning + work all afternoon + party all night = epic failure.

At least, for today - that was the case. Other days I am all for being badass like that but today was one day I just couldn’t take it all.

The morning was potentially lovely. I woke up late, was late to pick up Donald and to top it off - I was late to my beloved Women’s Ensemble. Donald and I fought on the way to school. Bitter shit I don’t even care to remember. But I won’t be surprised if the crap we fought about that morning would come back to haunt me in the future. UGH.

Women’s Ensemble. Hm. I can’t really say that I had a bad time. Actually, I had a great time in Women’s. It’s mainly because of Milanda though. We like to bicker. She’s like my big sister in Women’s Ensemble. We take care of each other. We know what’s up. And I have to say that I was really proud of her today. She’s been working her ASS off (trust, I know. I’m in that practice room right there with her) and I just wanted to put some light on her success because she deserves it.

Women’s went well until the end of the class. And the reason of my despair is 3 simple words: O. Holy. Night.

That song! EFF MY LIFE it’s hard! And Milanda knows I can do it, she is there to see me rule that song and make that song my bitch! But I don’t know what it is about class… But hearing the other girls trying out for that song and me… I feel like shit. And then it comes to be my turn and I SUCK! I don’t understand that dynamic really. I guess I am scared? Or maybe a part of me wants to show everyone up and be like TAKE THAT BITCHES, even though I don’t exactly have the chops for it. IDK. But anyway, that song put me in a sour mood and by that time of the day I am depressed.

Moving on, work. Can’t really talk about work because of company internet policy but it was alright. Couldn’t complain.

Then Donald and I saw the Facebook movie, The Social Network. Which was amazing. So go see it. End of story. We then got into a discussion about certain aspects of the movie. I got upset, whatever, and we then got into a fight. Bleh. And then we promised Andrew we would pick him up for the party we were attending that night. And so we had to end that fight and get to his house.

We get to the party and I am just not feeling it.

The party. The day. Anything. So I take a nap and look for guidance in my good friend Charmia and trust, she helped. I sauntered back to the party and was like, BOO YOU PARTY. And by then Donald was gone.

So I took the boys (Sean, Donald and Andrew) home and took myself home and now I am here.

A little upset.

A little aggitated.

A little disappointed.

Strictly,

Maelyn

So there is something about great times that make time fly by. Seriously. And there is also something about great times that make it hard to blog about great times.

I asked Donald what I should write about my my tumblr and he said, “Oh! I have a great idea! Me!” He couldn’t see my reply but it’s basically this smiley face =.=. Hahaha. Because he would and whatever. I love him, he’s a little kid. But that makes him all more lovable.

My boyfriend is also a ninja, this is a recent discovery actually. The other day my boyfriend and I were taking an innocent nap on my bed. And it seriously was just a nap. We were both shit tired and after all our classes that day we picked up my brother Juan from Glendora High (aka the school of prostitutes) and rushed to my house and collapsed onto bed. Little did we know, my mother would pick this day of ALL DAYS to come home early. As in, she usually comes home at 7:30 and to show up at 5:00 EARLY.

So we get home at 3:30 and we begin said nap. Donald’s the first one to hear my mom come through the door. And when I wake up I realized we took a fucking long nap. =.= Anywho. Donald’s freaking out and I am kind of like stfu so I can figure out what we can do!

I get a phone call and after the phone call my mom asks me if there’s anyone in the room so I am thinking FUCK Juan snitched. But he wouldn’t do that… I got him In-N-Out the other day. Ha! So he couldn’t have. I tell my mom I was talking on the phone but she’s still suspicious.

So I have to come up with a plan fast. After turning my TV on and putting the volume on loud - I tell Donald the plan.

He was going to jump out of my window and jump the fence. I would then proceed to distract my mother so she won’t go into her room and see Donald jumping the fence. And once he’s jumped the fence, I would meet him around the corner in my car and we will then go to his house and continue our glorious nap!

At first I thought I was going to have to open the gate from the outside with the keys in the kitchen but Donald said he could jump the fence.

And he did!

So therefore, my boyfriend is ninja. :] I sure know how to pick ‘em. :D lololol

BTW.

Reasons for ninja escape: 1. My overbearing, but loveable, mother would have freaked the fuck out. 2. She’ll call me a whore.

I would very much like to avoid situation #1 and #2 and so therefore OPERATION: NINJA ESCAPE was created. :] And I am glad to have a boyfriend who is so obliging. Love you baby! And I love our crazy adventures.

Strictly,

Maelyn. 

So the wall, yes, you know what I am talking about. THE WALL. The wall in every relationship. The one that doesn’t let you let the other completely in. Yes, that wall. The wall that ruins, ends, and destroys relationships. That wall. That wall is gone.

I finally admitted everything to Donald. And before getting into too much detail. I told him the darkest part of Maelyn. And before you go and say “The Darkest part of Maelyn is her skin.” You can go ahead and slap yourself because if you don’t. I will.

You have been warned.

Anyway, moving forward I finally told him something/everything about me. And he pretty much said, “I don’t care. I still love you. Faults and all.”

And do you know how much that made me cry? For someone to openly accept you for everything? For all the mistakes you’ve made and all the things you’ve done. Have you ever had someone pull their arms around you and say, “I love you.” Despite everything. I feel like I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve someone like him. Someone that can accept my wrongs, worship my rights… And I can’t help but think: How the hell did I get so lucky? And how come it took him this long to come into my life?

Because I will be honest with you, I could have definitely used this back in the day when I was going through some hard times. I wish he was there for things that had happened in my past. I wish he was there for all the ugly I put myself through.

On the opposite side of the spectrum however. I feel like what the heck? I found him? This early in my life? I honestly thought: hey, I won’t find “Mr. Right” until I am about 25 or older. Do I think Donald is “Mr. Right”? Yes.

It’s weird. Yes, this is weird for me. I let him into my world completely. And he didn’t run away. So, don’t sass me about the statement up there about how he is “Mr. Right”. I am the biggest skeptic of them all and if I didn’t truly believe that he was. I wouldn’t have said it. I mean it when I say that I can see myself being with him forever.

And yes, the wall has been torn down. The wall is erased, it’s no longer there. And now, I feel like this huge weight has finally been lifted off of my shoulders. And I truly believe that I can finally do good in my life. Especially with him by my side. I love him. I love every part of him.

If some bitch tries to come and steal him, OH HECK NO. She is going to have to go through ME. The ninja. Him + Any other girl besides me = A Major Fail. I’ve told him this and he agrees.

We make each other happy. We irritate the fuck out of each other. But we don’t let it hurt our relationship. We grow from it. We become better people, together. I love him. And I am going to put this out there: I am ready for the long haul. I dare someone/something to tear us apart. Watch it/them fail.

Strictly,

Maelyn

So tonight is going to be the night. Yes. The night.

Do you know that feeling of: “Fuck. I am in huge fucking trouble…?” The feeling when you say, “Hi,” to your father and he just gives you the look so disgusting and so full of hate that all your mind can possibly think is “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!!!” Well, yes, that is where my current state of mind is at right now. I am in a shit load of trouble and I know it.

How do I know I am in trouble? He’s been acting like this for the past couple of days now. He looks at me with this look of disgust that it’s unbearable. And he looks like he wants to kill me. Yup. He wants to fucking kill me.

He brings up all this tension and attitude that it makes me want to puke my guts out in fear because I know it’s because of me.

I hate my life right now.

Why am I trouble? Well, let me tell you. I went over on my mileage. Which, in my defense is fucking bullshit because they BARELY gave me any miles to work with ever since I started driving the damn thing and they expect me to keep it under it for a whole year. Um. Hello. New driver? Sort of wants to drive everywhere. I can’t help it! I just do.

Besides! I am supposed to have a different car and the only reason why I am driving the car with limited mileage is because my stupid bitch of a mother wants to use the Mercedes Benz instead of my car. And since my father drives to far places for work, he uses the car I AM supposed to use because he can’t use the car that I am currently using because the mileage would have been over MONTHS ago.

And another thing my father could be mad about: finding lighters all over the place. And before you ask, no. They don’t know about my habit that I am trying to kick as soon as possible. And so now knowing my father, he likes putting two and two together and assuming. And I suppose this time, he’s right.

Another thing: they absolutely HATE that I have a boyfriend and HATE that I am so serious about him. They HATE it. And so that’s another thing they can bitch at me for.

But yeah. That’s the end of my story.

If you don’t hear from me. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the reason why. :/